The controller working a busy pattern told the 727 on downwind to make a three-sixty (do a complete circle, usually to provide spacing between aircraft). The pilot of the 727 complained, "Do you know it costs us two thousand dollars to make a three-sixty in this airplane?" Without missing a beat the controller replied, "Roger, give me four thousand dollars worth!"
PSA was following United, taxiing out for departure. PSA called the tower and said "Tower, this is United 586. We've got a little problem, so go ahead and let PSA go first." The tower promptly cleared PSA for takeoff before United 586 had a chance to object to the impersonation!
A DC-10 had an exceedingly long landing roll out after landing with his approach speed just a little too high. "American 751 Heavy, turn right at the end if able. If not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off of Highway 101 back to the airport."
A male pilot is a confused soul who talks about women when he's flying and about flying when he's with a woman.
It was a really nice day, right about dusk, and a Piper Malibu was being vectored into a long line of airliners in order to land at Kansas City:
CCC Approach: "Malibu three-two-Charlie, you're following a 727, one o'clock and three miles."
Three-two-Charlie: "We've got him. We'll follow him."
KC Approach: "Delta 105, your traffic to follow is a Malibu, eleven o'clock and three miles. Do you have that traffic?"
Delta 105: (long pause and then in a thick southern drawl): "Well......I've got something down there. Can't quite tell if it's a Malibu or a Chevelle, though."
Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7."
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure...by the way, as we lifted off, we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7...did you copy the report from Eastern?"
Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff...and yes, we copied Eastern and we've already notified our caterers."
O'Hare Approach Control: "United 329, traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, 3 miles, eastbound."
United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this...I've got that Fokker in sight."
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If God meant man to fly, He'd have given him more money.
If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger, if you pull the stick back they get smaller. (Unless you keep pulling the stick back -then they get bigger again)
Flying is not dangerous; crashing is dangerous.
It's better to be down here wishing you were up there, than up there wishing you were down here.
The propeller is just a big fan in the front of the plane to keep the pilot cool. Want proof? Make it stop; then watch the pilot break out into a sweat.
Speed is life, altitude is life insurance. No one has ever collided with the sky.
It's best to keep the pointed end going forward as much as possible.
The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.
Every one already knows the definition of a 'good' landing is one from which you can walk away. But very few know the definition of a 'great landing.' It's one after which you can use the airplane another time.
The probability of survival is equal to the angle of arrival.
Always remember you fly an airplane with your head, not your hands. Never let an airplane take you somewhere your brain didn't get to five minutes earlier.
You know you've landed with the wheels up when it takes full power to taxi.
A helicopter is a collection of rotating parts going round and round and reciprocating parts going up and down -- all of them trying to become random in motion. Helicopters can't really fly -- they're just so ugly that the earth immediately repels them.
Young man, was that a landing or were we shot down?
Trust your captain .... but keep your seat belt securely fastened.
Good judgment comes from experience and experience comes from bad judgment.
Aviation is not so much a profession as it is a disease.
There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing: unfortunately no one knows what they are.
The only thing worse than a captain who never flew as copilot is a copilot who once was a captain.
Be nice to your first officer, he may be your captain at your next airline.
Any attempt to stretch fuel is guaranteed to increase headwind.
A thunderstorm is never as bad on the inside as it appears on the outside. It's worse.
It's easy to make a small fortune in aviation. You start with a large fortune.
A male pilot is a confused soul who talks about women when he's flying, and about flying when he's with a woman.
Try to keep the number of your landings equal to the number of your takeoffs.
Things which do you no good in aviation: Altitude above you. Runway behind you. Fuel in the truck. Half a second ago. Approach plates in the car. The airspeed you don't have.
Flying is the perfect vocation for a man who wants to feel like a boy, but not for one who still is.
Asking what a pilot thinks about the FAA is like asking a fireplug what it thinks about dogs.
Being an airline pilot would be great if you didn't have to go on all those trips.
Gravity never loses! The best you can hope for is a draw!
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The only jokes you receive are through e-mail.
At Christmas, it goes without saying that you will be the one to find the burnt-out bulb in the string of Christmas lights.
Buying flowers for your girlfriend or spending the money to upgrade your RAM is a moral dilemma.
Everyone else on the Alaskan Cruise is on deck peering at the scenery, and you are still on a personal tour of the engine room.
In college, you thought Spring Break was metal fatigue failure.
The salespeople at Circuit City can't answer any of your questions.
You are always late to meetings. You are at an air show and know how fast the skydivers are falling.
You are next in line on death row in a French Prison and you find that the guillotine is not working properly, so you offer to fix it.
You bought your wife a new CD ROM for her birthday.
You forget to get a haircut for 6 months.
You can quote scenes from any Monty Python movie.
You can type 70 words per minute but can't read your own handwriting.
You can't write unless the paper has both horizontal and vertical lines.
You comment to your wife that her straight hair is nice and parallel.
You go on the rides at Disneyland and sit backward in the chairs to see how they do the special effects.
You have Dilbert comics displayed anywhere in your work area.
You have ever saved the power cord from a broken appliance.
You have more friends on the Internet than in real life.
You have never backed up your hard drive.
You have never bought any new underwear or socks for yourself since you got married.
You have used coat hangars and duct tape for something other than hanging coats and taping ducts.
You know what http:// stands for.
You look forward to Christmas only to put together the kids' toys.
You own one or more white short-sleeve dress shirts.
You see a good design and still have to change it.
You spent more on your calculator than you did on your wedding ring.
You still own a slide rule and you know how to use it.
You think a pocket protector is a fashion accessory.
You think that when people around you yawn, it's because they didn't get enough sleep.
You wear black socks with tennis shoes (or vice versa).
You window shop at Radio Shack.
You're in the back seat of your car, she's looking wistfully at the moon, and you're trying to locate a geosynchronous satellite.
Your checkbook always balances.
Your laptop computer costs more than your car.
Your wife hasn't the foggiest idea of what you do at work.
Your wrist watch has more computing power than a 300 MHz pentium.
You've already calculated how much you make per second.
You've ever tried to repair a $5 radio.
Your four basic food groups are: Caffeine, Fat, Sugar, and Chocolate.
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